The handbook
CW: Sexual Assault. If you require support after reading this, please reach out to one of the phone numbers listed here.
When asked at summer camp,
“Ladies, how many of you have been told
not to get r*ped?”
every girl in the room shot her hand up.
This was a pop quiz
we came prepared for.
We spill out safety suggestions
regurgitate rules like
check the backseat before you get in a car
always tell a friend where you plan to go
never wear headphones when walking alone.
We memorized the
“how to not get r*ped” handbook
thinking sexual assault
was the fault
of a few monsters
(strangers, of course)
lurking in shadows and alleyways
teeth gnashing, waiting to attack you.
We were told that being well educated
would protect us from what they perpetrated
but the handbook failed to mention
that most sexual assaults
happen inside of our homes,
commonly caused
by men we already know.
Discussions of r*pe
are often hush-hush
uncomfortable to confront
framed in abstract statistics
printed in freshman orientation handouts
addendums suggesting
“Call this office once you’ve lived it.”
I’ve read that
one third of women
will experience sexual violence
in her lifetime
that it is three times more likely
to happen to Indigenous women
that seventy six percent of bisexual women
have survived it
that having been a victim once
makes you more likely to be a victim again.
As a
queer / Indigenous / woman
crunching those numbers
makes me feel more
walking target than warrior
I’ve soon learned that survival
means keeping most of myself in the closet.
The handbook will not tell you
how to be a victim
half answers the question “what do I do?”
if (when) sexual assault happens to you.
It will tell you “no means no”
knowing you’ve never learned how to say it.
It will tell you to use your fight response
knowing how common it is to freeze in danger.
It will tell you to call nine one one right away
conveniently forgetting
that police do not keep us all safe.
The handbook will not tell you
how to preserve the evidence
I learned through experience that
you should get your r*pe kit done day of
file your report within six months
keep the clothing in which it happened
and avoid washing your shame off in the shower.
Six months may seem
like enough time to make up your mind
but it took me nine
to hear his name and my name
and r*pe in the same sentence
without crying.
The “how to not get r*ped” handbook
will try to convince you
that being assaulted
is synonymous with being broken.
Too often, the story narrated for us
is a biography
bound in a two chapter cage
before assault and after assault
reduced to damaged goods girls
instead of channeling our outrage.
As someone who memorized the
handbook’s every last rule
as someone who still got r*ped
I’m telling you now that
this has always been a game rigged
for women’s bodies to lose.
Rape culture, not the existence of women
is the issue that needs to be dealt with
even when
especially when
it means whatever bullshit
any victim-blaming handbook
had to say
gets burnt down
in the process.
