When the man is what you want
When the man is what you want
(but not what you need)
He will make you feel like the only girl in the room
tell you you are so much more than pretty, hot and cool
ask if you knew there were fourteen thousand adjectives
to describe someone cute
say that when it comes to numbers,
your looks are a ten
and your personality a nine thousand.
He will drive you home
sit in your driveway while the radio hums low
dream up adventures with you for hours.
It may be November,
but he will make something inside of you bloom flowers.
His first gift to you will be a houseplant
“We can co-parent” he says,
under your watch, it dies.
You will think he would’ve been better at keeping it alive
considering the first time he holds your hand
is the first time you feel electrified.
Sparks will fly as you sit in his lap
gaze into his warm eyes in dim light
the conversation will flow like red wine
and when you tell him what your body has been through
you will both cry.
He will assure you that no matter what,
you deserve to be treated right.
You will stuff your infatuations into a mixtape
title it “there’s something so red wine about you”
you will add song titles like birthday candles,
wishes of wanting him behind each tune.
You will add A Moment Apart never wanting to spend one without him
My Favorite Part because that’s what he is to your day
Sound and Color because he makes you feel all of them
In an enthralling, encapsulating, all-encompassing way.
When the man is what you want
(but not what you need)
He will string you along with moments of dreamy reverie
Without following through on any of what he’s promising
He will come over at one and never stay until morning
But you will stay certain
that you want him to be your unravelling.
You will turn red flags into green lights
tune out your friends’ warnings
that this will not work out
eventually, it will scar you;
you will know they are right
but you will not be able to fight falling
when having him in your bed
is the first time you felt safe since being assaulted.
When you go home to visit family
he will call you twice that week to say he misses you
he will tell you he is sorry about his lack of availability lately
says “When you get back, we’ll go on an adventure, just you and me”
a string of words that have never sounded so sweet
a song from the mixtape will sum up your first night back perfectly lyrically
“Fell asleep on the sofa, but I’ve never felt closer to you”
When you wake up next to your brown-eyed lover
you will count his eyelashes, fifty-three on the right
you will feel a little crazy
but you think maybe, just maybe,
if you memorize the details of his face
there he can stay
unmarred by the world’s pain at your place.
That early summer night,
your plans will line up like fate.
Sitting in a blue lights lounge, dimly lit and draped
fabric hanging from the ceiling
giving the bar an intimate, ethereal feeling
for hours on hours, he will keep you laughing
and when he rests his head on his hands
eyelashes fluttering
you will be reminded
of just how hard you are falling.
That night when you have sex
it will be the closest you have been to someone
physically or emotionally
and you will fool yourself into thinking
that it is a matter of time until you start dating.
When you find out the truth
about the dates and adventures
he has with girls he puts before you
it will confirm every one of your worst anxieties:
That sleeping with you was his end goal
that winning your trust was his game strategy
that you were his sexual trophy.
When the man is what you want
and not what you need
he will not offer you an apology
and he’ll avoid any chance to
acknowledge that he hurt you deeply.
When you write the goodbye letter
you will say this:
I would have done anything for you,
object of my affection
but I refuse to compete with
anyone else for your attention.
You will know that he cannot be the man you need,
no matter how much you want him,
if he will not show you respect too.
What you won’t say,
is that even when you cross the street to avoid him
That doesn’t mean you don’t want him to come chasing after you
You love him, you miss him, you still do.
Note: This is an old poem, revamped many years later as a letter to my younger self.
