The “feeling”

The “feeling” is akin to a girl crush: you know you are absolutely enamoured with someone, only you can’t tell whether you want to be them, be their best friend or be dating them.

The first time I felt the “feeling” was in seventh grade. I could have sworn the sun revolved around one of my then-friends because all I wanted to do was bask in her presence. One day I thought to myself, “Wait, does this make me a lesbian?”, and my life was forever changed.

Just kidding. I wish figuring it all out had been that straightforward. Instead, it took ten years of navigating internalized homophobia, compulsive heteronormativity, “girl crushes”, actual girl crushes and a range of experiences with different genders to figure out that I wasn’t a lesbian, but that I sure wasn’t straight either.

I spent a decade trying to hate the queer out of myself, but the “feeling” kept stubbornly popping up, insistent like a wildflower that grows between cracks in the sidewalk.

It finally dawned on me that the “feeling” wasn’t going anywhere at 22. When I decided to finally embrace it, I learned that my bisexuality was a superpower. Why?

Because in spite of a world that demanded I “pick a side”, my sexuality eschewed rigidity and simply bloomed.