The summer I stopped being afraid
The summer I stopped being afraid
I ordered a double scoop of indulgence,
lapped at focaccia doused in oil and balsamic
reminded myself that double zero was a sentence
for which I was no longer interested in starving.
I did not juice cleanse for revenge
I moved my body only when it wanted
When beach day came
I said “on my way”
put my belly in a two-piece
and flaunted it.
The summer I stopped being afraid
I asked for a pay raise
told the chauvinist he could not speak that way
did not work a minute past five
took all my vacation time
without feeling guilty.
I poured into my passions
let myself be bad at art
even worse at dancing
I skinny-dipped with strangers
stole the stage at karaoke.
When rumours swirled about me
I did not apologize for my existing
when I adored my own company
it ceased to matter if someone,
somewhere out there hated me.
The summer I stopped being afraid
I grew out my pussy hair
treated myself as divine treasure
relinquished sex as a performing act
fell in love with my own pleasure.
I grew disinterested in unavailability;
half-hearted lovers ceased to appeal
Now that I could give myself everything.
Summer after summer
I was paralyzed by dizzying fears;
“What if I get fired?”
“What if I gain weight?”
“What if they judge me?”
“What if they leave?”
But that one wild, electric summer
I embraced a world
of possibilities within maybe —
“Maybe I deserve better.”
“Maybe I do love my body.”
“Maybe their opinions don’t matter.”
“Maybe I’ll always have me.”
That summer
I did not stop feeling afraid
but I stopped choosing afraid
and in doing so,
I reclaimed life on my terms.
That was the summer that changed everything.
